What used to be

I tend to look back on a lot of memories. Memories with friends that used to be. How much fun I used to have with them, the amazing ambitions we all had for the future that never seemed to have come true, the long five hour hang out sessions we used to have over the summer or after school.

I tend to look back and think: What Happened?

Friends seem to disappear left and right, turning one way as I continue down the same street until finally I just give up and follow down a new road. What happened to the dreams we used to talk about, promising each other that it’ll all come true. What happened to telling each other everything one day and the next day act like we’re complete strangers, saying an awkward ‘Hi’ every once and a while. What happened to the amazing friendship we all used to have?

I guess it’s just another cruel fact of life. Moving on and growing up also means gaining and losing. I hate to lose something that I used to consider so dear to me. I miss my old friends, my used to be friends. I almost hate thinking about the memories with them, it makes me uncomfortable, unwilling to accept that what used to be isn’t here anymore.

But I suppose it’s always going to be like this. I’m going to lose another friend in the future, no matter how hard I try not to lose the connection, I will. I guess I can just look forward to all the new friends I’ll gain, all the new friends I have gained after losing others.

He wrote me a song,

I don't exactly expect sweet things [like really amazingly sweet things] to happen to me during a relationship. Yes, I am now in a relationship again, go figure, I really can't seem to keep myself for myslef, not that I'm complaining because this new boy called Nick isn't anything less than amazing. He asked me out through a fortune cookie, when I opened it and saw my name I nearly peed in my pants from terror, but I recovered quickly after noticeing he had slipped the paper in. That was a HUGE relief, but I wonder what he thought while he was watching my terrified face read the fortune.

Back to the point, I have a new boyfriend [see Nick's Beautiful blog] and he wrote me a song :]


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2pj1fBv4CsY

Father of Mine

Remember me? I guess not, it’s been seventeen years. I hate to get personal but it kind of did affect me. What made you decide to have nothing to do with me? I suppose I can’t get angry from something I couldn’t control. I heard you were a good guy, someone funny, someone everyone liked. I hear I received a lot of facial features from you. It’s awesome to have a stranger’s face.

I can’t lie, I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to have you in my life and I have considered in finding you. Ask you a few questions, really personal questions. But I decided against it, why make an effort in finding someone when they couldn’t do the simple decency in keeping touch with their own daughter? I’m not mad though.

I hear you have a nice little family up where ever you are. A daughter not too younger than myself. Good for you, I really hope she’s the light of your life.

I sometimes wonder if you ever take the time and think about me. Wonder if I’m doing alright, if I’m happy, what kind of activities I’ve achieved. Well…your daughter has found many talents like drawing, singing, acting, writing…She made best supporting actress this year, drew a lot of portraits, sung in carnival tableaux, are you proud?

You missed so much, my first day of school, all 17 birthday parties, sleepovers, first fascination with make up, my play performances, my very first portrait, first dance, first love, first heartbreak, my AB honor rolls, etc, etc;

I’m doing so well though, seriously, my mom married and I now have a father figure who loves me very much. I have four awesome siblings, all very beautiful and special. You missed out.

I hope your well, father of mine.

Short, simple, easy to do

Sometimes the strongest thing to do is to not confront the problem, but to just deal with it, take a breathe and get on with your life.

Nick's Beautiful

Unexpectedly, after days of witnessing the flaws and amazing qualities, the person seems to change in appearance. Good or bad.

I have a type, yes, the whole tall, dark, and handsome fits nicely in my category of good looking. I DO think looks matter and play a good role in a relationship, but recent events that have passed led me to believe that looks can change depending on how the person behaves and responds to everything.

There was this boy I took fancy to a year back. I thought he was the cutest thing, sandy blonde hair, tall, built, charming smile, etc. Nothing wrong, nothing at all. I started to talk to him and personality started to spill out of his ears, more like dribble slowly then cease unexpectedly. The boy had no pizzazz, no interesting quality about him, everything was dull

and expecting.

His looks seemed to have died down dramatically.
My attraction was no longer an attraction.

Now an opposite example. :] So, not long ago [about two months] I recently became acquainted to a boy named Nick. It was during the Carnival Tableau and we were both performing, me singing and him playing the guitar [we were not together]. Yes, he was cute, but nothing to die for. Being in a relationship at the time my attraction to him was very limited.

But the relationship I had died out and my single, distraught self took a vow to never date again.

My friendship with Nick took it’s course right side up and we soon became inseparable. We loved spending time with each other, just chilling in the park or going eat at some amazing Chinese restaurant. His personality struck me as pure awesomeness. And things started to change, I noticed that his appearance became more pleasing to the eye, not that it wasn’t before. It’s as if he started to take form into his personality. I saw more about him, the way his dimples showed whenever he smile, the cute expression he made with just his eyebrows, that beard, oh that beard! The flaws that were once there seemed to have lost focused and all I could see was the good parts.

I guess, to be blunt about it, if your personality stinks, then your ugly.
If your personality is amazing, then your beautiful.

Nick is beautiful & yes he is the one in the photo

We move, to the left or the right. We move forward, always forward, either in a negative or positive way. Break off connections with used to be friends or keep a childhood friend forever. Get a job, get fired, promotion? Fall in love, break up, be broken up with, decisions. What we choose to do in every situation reflects on our lives, makes us smarter, a little more experienced then before. Whatever the case, we always go forward, never backwards. I’m seventeen, pretty young and my progression in experience is turning, roller coaster style.

I’m meeting new people, feeling different things, eating new foods, curiosity is still overwhelming. I have a long way to go before I know everything.

PEOPLE: From A to Z the people I meet are all different and effect the way my life turns. I can’t stop and tell you how many people changed my life in a small or big way. How many people I was friends with, how many people I still am friends with, how many people I’ll lose later, how many I love, how many I dislike, how many people I’ll meet and have a life changing experience with. The Best Friend, The Boyfriend, The Girlfriend, The Hero, The Enemy, The annoying little girl in gym class that always asks for a dollar. It’s insane to actually think about people, and their effect on other people. I love people, even if they sometimes hurt.

EXPERIONCE: Your first day of school. First speech in front of the entire 1st grade English class. Your first stomach twisting crush. Your first kiss, first heartbreak, first job, first accomplishment, first band you listen to, first graduation, first, first, FIRST! Everything you do for the very first time is a new experience. And every time you do this, feel this, or regret this your going to pile on to the wisdom inside your brain. Experience is good, but maybe not always experiencing something for the first time. I wish there was a book with everything I would face in life and how I should deal with it. But there’s not, so I guess I’ll just predict the unpredictability in life…awesome :P

CURIOSITY: Without this, we wouldn’t have experience. We’d be boring people that never progress and always live their lives day by day by day by day…always the same. Curiosity is what made you touch fire on the stove…it also made you realize how stupid that action really was. Curiosity had you read an amazing book your friends have been talking about and let you develop a passion for reading. Curiosity led you to a girl or boy who either made you the happiest kid on the block or hurt you from rejection. Curiosity had you learn from past mistakes, find passion in any hobby, and it allowed you to take risks.

This was a somewhat random blog I posted, but I’m glad I posted it. Hope you enjoyed reading it :]

It Happens

I own a myspace and every now and then a person puts out a blog stating how their boyfriend or girlfriend broke up with them and how crushed they are, how broken hearted they feel, ya da ya da ya da. When I read [more like skimmed with disgust] I found myself thinking that all of it was just an act. They were begging for attention from their peers and asking for sympathy. I didn’t exactly hold a good opinion on these types of people, I guess that’s because I never was put in a position to feel that way. That is, until recently.

I was dating this boy for roughly four months and what seemed to be a hitting off relationship turned it’s course and headed for the worst. The two weeks this process hit was one of the worst times in my life [grant other miserable things were going on as well, but this blog isn’t about that.]

I guess to kind of explain how I’m feeling I have to give a bit of background. When we first started to date I was very iffy about it, I still wasn’t exactly sure if I liked him in that way. But I gave it a shot and feelings started to brew inside. Pretty soon I was behind his back with every troublesome situation he was dealing with. I’m not even bragging when I say I went all out on that boy.

Thing is, he didn’t go all out on me. I didn’t exactly realize this until recently when he struck me with reality. He didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. He said it wasn’t me, he just had commitment issues. Okay, my reaction wasn’t pretty, but even if it was over I still had that thought in the back of my head, whispering that he would come back, that he still had feelings for me.

We were on the phone with each other, we were planning something, I really can’t remember. But we went on the subject about ‘us’. That’s when it hit me like a harsh, unsympathetic bomb. He didn’t have feelings for me anymore and hadn’t for sometime.

I suddenly realized what it was like to be one of those pathetic broken down girls. I can’t even look at the jacket he got me without feeling a stab of pain. It hurts so bad right now and it’s going to for a while. I wasn’t ready, but he was.

I can’t be mad at him for it. He’s still a person that I consider to be a good friend. It’s just, now that I know nothing is going to happen between us from now on, I wont be able to stand looking at him, talking to him, hearing about him…It’s going to be a while for me to control my feelings for him, maybe get rid of them [ Man, that would be nice]. When it does though, I’m going to work on my friendship with him.

He may be a horrible boyfriend, but he kicks ass as a friend.