I own a myspace and every now and then a person puts out a blog stating how their boyfriend or girlfriend broke up with them and how crushed they are, how broken hearted they feel, ya da ya da ya da. When I read [more like skimmed with disgust] I found myself thinking that all of it was just an act. They were begging for attention from their peers and asking for sympathy. I didn’t exactly hold a good opinion on these types of people, I guess that’s because I never was put in a position to feel that way. That is, until recently.
I was dating this boy for roughly four months and what seemed to be a hitting off relationship turned it’s course and headed for the worst. The two weeks this process hit was one of the worst times in my life [grant other miserable things were going on as well, but this blog isn’t about that.]
I guess to kind of explain how I’m feeling I have to give a bit of background. When we first started to date I was very iffy about it, I still wasn’t exactly sure if I liked him in that way. But I gave it a shot and feelings started to brew inside. Pretty soon I was behind his back with every troublesome situation he was dealing with. I’m not even bragging when I say I went all out on that boy.
Thing is, he didn’t go all out on me. I didn’t exactly realize this until recently when he struck me with reality. He didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. He said it wasn’t me, he just had commitment issues. Okay, my reaction wasn’t pretty, but even if it was over I still had that thought in the back of my head, whispering that he would come back, that he still had feelings for me.
We were on the phone with each other, we were planning something, I really can’t remember. But we went on the subject about ‘us’. That’s when it hit me like a harsh, unsympathetic bomb. He didn’t have feelings for me anymore and hadn’t for sometime.
I suddenly realized what it was like to be one of those pathetic broken down girls. I can’t even look at the jacket he got me without feeling a stab of pain. It hurts so bad right now and it’s going to for a while. I wasn’t ready, but he was.
I can’t be mad at him for it. He’s still a person that I consider to be a good friend. It’s just, now that I know nothing is going to happen between us from now on, I wont be able to stand looking at him, talking to him, hearing about him…It’s going to be a while for me to control my feelings for him, maybe get rid of them [ Man, that would be nice]. When it does though, I’m going to work on my friendship with him.
He may be a horrible boyfriend, but he kicks ass as a friend.